It was a cold day in February, much like today when we laid our baby in the ground.
She was in the arms of Jesus even before she breathed one breath of sin air. Even before I heard one cry, felt one suckle, or caressed her soft tiny cheek, she was no more.
Me, young and confused, groping and stumbling around in the midst of it all. The emptiness inside my womb felt the loss, the loneliness and my heart bled.
A young mother waiting, anticipating the arrival of her first born daughter, experiencing the movement and hearing the heartbeat from within her own body, suddenly was shut off and I turned inward.
.
No answers, no explanations offered could comfort a grieving mother. 
Everything rolled into one and the lines blurred. Even after all these years my mind cannot separate the events that happened so long ago, the news that there was no longer a heartbeat, giving birth, the funeral, the voices are hazy and unfocused. 
Is 31 years enough? 
And yet, after 31 years, talking about it, writing it down feels like I am picking a scab off a deep wound that refuses to heal completely through. Yes, I have shared with some close friends, but this here, writing my heart, closes the gap of those years and it all starts again, this empty place inside my heart.
But . . . . it is enough for this:
I am changed. This is one of the many things that He has used to changed me. I am growing up in the Lord, and I cling to Hope Himself, resting in the folds of His love and His peace, I see truth more clearly, filtered through the sweet words and promises of my Lord. 
And it is enough for this:
Knowing she experiences exceedingly great joy every day being in the presence of Jesus!
This mother’s heart takes comfort in knowing that she never had to experience pain, nor sorrow, nor crying. (Rev. 21:4) And though my empty arms never held her tight, never swaddled her within my folds, I know that she is waiting for me there, and when I arrive I will hold her for the first time, beautiful and complete.
Because of His peace, which surpasses all understanding and because of His exceedingly great and precious promises. . . it is enough.
And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain for the former things have passed away. Revelation 21:4
The Portion of my Inheritance 
I am so sad you had to endure this, forever will have to endure this. Mama and Daddy told me about this at the time and they went to the funeral service. Mama and Daddy had lost their first baby 2 years before I was born in a very similar way. I found your baby’s gravestone one time while at the cemetary and prayed for you at the time. She and my sister, who was taken immediately also, must be great friends in Heaven.
Rita!!! What a treasured blessing you are!!! Thank you for sharing this with me and thank you SO SO much for the prayers!! I know the prayers of His saints are what carried me through!
I don’t know if you have ever read the book ‘Heaven Is For Real’ but it has been a source of comfort for me. It is a wonderful book!
Thank you Rita for your continued encouragement!! I love you
Peggy are you talking about the book by Phil Rehberg rather than the one by Todd Burpo? I have not read the book by Rehberg, and after the recommendation from you I have just downloaded it from the Kindle Store. I am looking forward to reading it. I love you too.
I am sorry Rita, I did not know there were more than one book by that title. I am talking about the one by Todd Burpo. Please forgive me if this is not a good book.
I’ve already read the one by Todd Burpo! Somehow I figured the one you were talking about was older. This one is the child in Heaven. It’s precious.
I will check that one out Rita! Thank you so much!!!
I love you, Peggy Sue…Beautiful….Sigh….Beautiful….
Love you too Paula Sue!!! Thank you for traveling on this journey with me!!