The Portion of my Inheritance

We celebrated this month.

Just loaded up and took off, four hours east, just off of I-30. I do not even know the name of the town, just a lake house sitting remote on a quiet, still lake that mirrored the surrounding trees and sky.

Soft green moss and delicate pale petals lay frosted on top of the lake, sprinkled here and there with vines stretching out, lining the banks and framing the already beautiful lake. Bright yellow flowers dotted the vines and assorted grasses and cattails filled the hollow spaces, drawing the eye and filling the heart with a sense of gladness and satisfaction. The perfect picture of peace, tranquil and serene. The air echoed with the sounds of birds chirping, filling the air with a mighty chorus of song, and yes also of praise.

The multi colored green of the trees walled us in. They stood tall and proud, majestic like. We were fortified here, surrounded by God’s beauty and His goodness.

It was a gift from friends, this cabin tucked deep away, to celebrate our anniversary. Their gift extended beyond the weekend get-a-way. Fresh flowers adorned the table top and a yummy treat of cheesecake and chocolate covered strawberries were found hidden away in the refrigerator, just waiting to be discovered. I wonder if our dear friends really understand the gift that they gave to us? I cannot even remember the last time we stole away together. Alone. Just us two. No one else.

Our life does not allow it.

It was a time of rest, relaxation and quiet. Far removed from the outside world. We were hidden deep within these trees. We spent most of our time on the deck of the house, overlooking the lake. Just sitting mostly, beholding the beauty of it all and drinking in the intoxicating view. Sometimes talking, but mostly quiet, just sitting.

We explored the land, another lake, another lake house-empty. Wild deer in an encampment held our attention and we strained our eyes to see the fawns. They watched us closely, they knew we were there even before we laid eyes on them. Such beauty.

We went kayaking on the lake, paddling along the outside, close to the edge, around and around the lake. The peace overtook us, and sometimes we just stopped and lingered in the moment, not wanting the moment to pass.

He also spent time fishing and I watch from the deck of the house. He slid quietly though the water, making no sound, just slowly gliding through the calm, slicing his way through the moss.

And just like the four hour ride here, my mind traveled the road over the past 33 years.

I would like to tell you that it has been 33 years of marital bliss, but that would not be so. Just like every other married couple, we have had our ups, and our downs. And the vows we took “for better or for worse” was a literal vow and we practiced it repeatedly.

I studied the lake. I lifted my face to my Lord. And there in that moment I clearly saw Him in all of it.

There were times, like the lake, that were still and quiet, peace surrounded us. Things were as it should be. Moving along under the folds of our Lord. Breathing easy, filling our lungs with all things good.

There were other time, like the lake, that we covered our lives with other things. We could not see things clearly because the busyness and the expectations of ourselves and of others crushed us in, spilling us out in confusion and urgency. We fought hard to stay on top, struggling against ourselves.

And still, there were times when the winds came and stirred us deep, and like the trees, the arms of God surrounded us, hedging us in. They were hard times, pounding us down, knocking the breath out of us and it’s hard to stand up under it. At times it seemed that it would be easier to just give up.

But we refused. We fought hard and we pushed through, time and time again and it was worth every effort. And the words from Nehemiah are before me as they have been throughout these years and they echo loud in my heart.

“Remember the Lord, great and awesome, and fight for your brethren, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your houses.” (Nehemiah 4:14b)

I have leaned heavily on these words for I know that this fight has always been a spiritual battle. It has been warfare and it drags with it the physical and the emotional wounded heart. We cannot stand against it on our own, for there are no perfect people and we are all made out of dust, but His amazing grace covers us all.

As I sit here and watch my beloved quietly rowing along, my heart beats with gratitude for this time. Time to just sit and not have something pulling at us. Time to just talk and not have a million distractions. My heart rejoices in the rest and the calm. We are renewed, refreshed as we spend our time-just being.

This gift is from the Lord, as He stretches out His love and blankets us with His peace. It has been HE who has been the faithful One all these years. It has been HIS will and HIS grace that has glued us together, tying us up and binding us tightly to Himself. This life—my portion– has been a good one, my inheritance is indeed from my Lord and my cup runneth over. I can rest under the shelter of His wings because His paths truly do drip with abundance and His favor covers us gently and purposely.

All is grace.

And I looked, and arose and said to the nobles, to the leaders, and to the rest of the people, “Do not be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, great and awesome, and fight for your brethren, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your houses.”                       Nehemiah 4:14

Read Full Post »

About this blog:

It all started with you~firstborn of my daughter, and the longing of my heart for you to really know me.                                      Photo by Renitta

 Photo by Renitta

For my mind retraces the map of time spent with my own grandmother;

Lorrane Isabell Brown—my firstborn’s namesake-                                               

Her~~  steadfast, gentle, always constant. She was my rock, the source of strength in my early years. She was such a tender, quiet spirit and her heart was loving towards her own. I knew she loved me, there was always a feeling of belonging in her presence. She never judged me, even in the silliness of my youth.                        

And yet, there is a sadness from that very precious time with her that stings at the thought of it. The longing in my heart nags at me and regret weighs me down heavy.                        

I wish I knew her more. I wish I could travel back the distance of thirty plus years and steal moments from time to get to know her heart. And I turn it over and over again.

What were her dreams?

What were her joys and disappointments?

What did she love?

But mostly, my heart yearns to know about her relationship with the Lord. I never knew, we never talked about it.                      

But yet, it was the picture hanging crooked on her wall that first drew me in. It was the Lord Jesus, standing at the the door, knocking. And He waited.

“Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me” Revelation 3:20

It hung there for as long as I can remember and these memories are so deeply engraved on my heart that if I were to close my eyes, all these years later, I can still see so vividly every detail of that beloved portrait.

I spent hours in front of that picture, studying every brush stroke, every line and curve of that beautiful man-longing for Him. Even then, He bid me to come.

 Picture by Photobucket

And the picture of Jesus hanging on the cross with it’s warm yellows and gold hues.  And the blood? Even then it broke a little girl’s heart to look upon it.

And yet another,

The deep, dark blue carpet hung on the whole span of a wall hovering over the sofa. There were the twelve apostles with Jesus on the exact night He was betrayed.

He was there on her walls and her home told these stories of the Lord. There, for all who entered to see, but we never spoke of it. I never knew her heart.

There was so much more to know, so much more to learn from her and it slipped away and I cannot recapture all the lost time.

Therefore, my beloved granddaughter, a few months after you were born I rushed out and purchased a journal with good intentions. I began to collect things; stickers, scriptures, and pictures. I jotted down notes, telling of your great accomplishments, your first words, things you loved to do, things you loved to eat and of our special times together. The journal just kept growing, overflowing, stuffed with the remnants of things passing away. It grew fatter and fatter because there was no time to journal, there were too many other things to do, pressing things. It was left forgotten and time ticked away and years passed and still there was no recording. It just never happened.                                 

And so, this blog is for you, my dear, beautiful girl.

And it’s for your sister . . .

And for your future sisters . . .

And for your future brothers and cousins . .

For your own children. . .  

and for your children’s children . . . .                  

YOU WILL KNOW!                                                                

You will know my heart.

You will know the things we did together and all the joys we shared.

You will know the things that I love dearly.

You will know how I love to spend my time and my efforts.

You will know how crazy in love with Jesus I am, that in Him I live and move and have my being.

You will know the victories in Him, both in and through the good and the bad, that His glory is displayed in the lives of His children.

You will know that He is always faithful and with Him there is beauty for ashes.                                 

And at the end of the day when we neatly fold it all up and put it all away, you will know.

You will have a tangible visual to look upon, and through these recordings you can go through life knowing that you are deeply loved—by me, and by your heavenly Father, your Abba-daddy. The King of kings and the Lord of lords loves you and calls you by name.

Yes my love, You. Will. Know.

The Lord has appeared of old to me, saying; “Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love, therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.  Jeremiah 31:3

Read Full Post »

I remember it clear.

The exact moment; where I was sitting, the silence that hung thick in the room, the page that was opened in the Holy Scriptures and the flood of emotions that overtook me.

I had been begging God for ages.

The desire had been birthed and the search was on and the prayers had been lifted up repeatedly.

Could You use me Lord?                                        

I suspected that He didn’t have much to work with and my finite mind could not comprehend Him ever being able to use me at all, and I supposed that I couldn’t be of much use.                                     

Yet still, there was this ache in my heart and I persisted in the asking and in this moment-His perfect timing-it was there. Not much to the average naked eye, but the aching heart gave way to the vision and I finally saw it clear.                       

It would be children.                                 

Hmmmm, I couldn’t see it.

But He declares it outright, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways.” (Is. 55:8) . . . .                                 

And it has been these twenty years that the calling came, and He has directed me, nudged me and many times over, comforted me throughout the journey. His faithfulness has been my hedge and His love has been my guide.                                        

It has not always been easy. The twists and turns and the unexpected can sometimes knock the wind out of you and you are left confused. So I travel once again back to the very first moment, and I ask the same question all over again and He gently pushes me onward.                                        

And the children?                              

They have come in all shapes and sizes, each one with their own beautiful spirits and creative minds and sometimes I marvel and I wonder, Who is teaching who?

And some of the little souls have challenged me beyond myself—and I lift them up—yearning to see them though the eyes of Love Himself. Then He takes me on a journey through His precious promises. He presses them deeper into the folds of my heart and the layers are peeled back for a closer look.

I ponder deeply on the “choices” that my Jesus made-for me.               

He chose to leave His Heavenly Home-His majestic throne–for me.

He chose to be born in a dirty, smelly barn–for me.

He chose to be betrayed, mocked and beaten–for me.

He chose to hang and then die on a cross–for me.

He continually chooses to live and intercede–for me.                                    

He purposed love.                                    

It was all about choice for Him. No man could have made Him or forced it upon Him. He chose me.

And I also purpose to choose love. For the choices we make in the moment can come back to nip at your heels and we must choose well.                                   

There are many that have impacted me and touched my heart in ways that could have only come through the choice of love. I could speak of each one of them with a bursting heart that always open up the flood gates of my soul.                        

But one stands tall above the others-Jabez like. He is a grown, godly man now and I see him often. And he always seeks me out. His eyes search mine tenderly, and his speech towards me is gentle and loving and there is a knowing between us two. A knowing about the deep, deep love of Jesus that spilled out and continues to flow from His heart onto two imperfect souls.                      

And my Lord, He constantly whispers to me, “Remember, remember, remember!”                  

I cling tight and my heart finds satisfaction in the comforts that His love has offered. As I continue to retrace my steps I can now see the prayers that have been poured out and lifted up relentlessly and the answers that came in His perfect time and His faithfulness to those scanty prayers.                                   

I am so glad that I made the choice to love.                           

As I push forward and encounter the precious little lives that He has now entrusted to me, I have purposed . . . .

I will choose love.                                     

 For you see your calling, brethren, that not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called.  But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty. 1 Cor. 1:26-27

Read Full Post »

So. . . . it has been these 32 years and we let them go. Just let them slip. right. through. our. fingers.

And how in the world do we justify the lapse of time? Just moving straight ahead and not looking back. And the forgetting?

 How do we regain the years that were wasted and the phone calls not made?

Is there a way to recover the laughter that we missed or the tears that were never shared?

 And how do you fit 32 years into 6 days?

It was He who has told us that “a friend loves at all times,” (Proverbs 17:17) and “do not forsake your own friend.” (Proverbs 27:10)

And in all of this, He wraps His grace around us, pulling us in and binding our hearts. And His grace covers all. 

And His opens the door and draws us in, bidding us to come near. 

And the 32 years dissolve and the time evaporates with His grace, for He knows what it truly means to be a friend. (Prov 18:24)

And our beautiful friend? Well, she comes, and it’s as if it were just yesterday. Our hearts so tightly woven that even 32 years cannot sever the ties.

Our hearts are grateful for this second chance, for this renewing, and we celebrate her coming.

Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.You are My friends if you do whatever I command you.  No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you.~Jesus~John 15:13-15

Read Full Post »

It has been all these years that He bids me to come and ask Him. To intercede on their behalf and it begins, this crying out to Him and the petitions rise up and I labor on.      

And there are also these moments that tie me up, holding me down and I feel weary and I ask Him again, “Do I labor in vain Lord?”

 And He lifts me up and I can hear the whisper, quiet like, “You are the persistent mother.”

And my mind races back through the ages to the story in Luke (18:2-8) of the persistent widow and I finally understand! “Yes Lord! I can see it now.” And I understand that He presses me on.      

Just days later, He shows me anew. Right out of left field it hits me hard. It comes from the story of Jacob, the one I have read over and over and over. But this here, this new twist that He shows me plunges deep in my heart and I am stunned by His tender care of me, by His PERSISTENCE in showing me over and over and encouraging me on and on.  

 Jacob wrestled with God and Jacob prevailed and how could that be? Even in his greatest strength Jacob could not win a wrestling match against God! And I read it again and again.     

“Then Jacob was left alone; and a Man wrestled with him until the breaking of day. Now when He saw that He did not prevail against him, He touched the socket of his hip; and the socket of Jacob’s hip was out of joint as He wrestled with him. And He said, “Let Me go, for the day breaks.” But he said, “I will not let You go unless You bless me!” So He said to him, “What is your name? He said, “Jacob.”   And He said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel; for you have struggled with God and with men, and have prevailed.” Then Jacob asked, saying, “Tell me Your name, I pray.” And He said, “Why is it that you ask about My name?” And He blessed him there. So Jacob called the name of the place Peniel; “For I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.”   Just as he crossed over Penuel the sun rose on him, and he limped on his hip. Genesis 32:24-31      

And there it was! It has been there the whole time and my eyes glaze over the words until He opens them up and I finally can see the amazing truth of it all!     

Jacob did not prevail because of his great strength. Jacob prevailed because he was persistent! He refused to let go of the One Person that he knew could bless him, the One thing that would make the difference for him, and Jacob held on and he would not give  up!       

 And his persistence paid off—-God blessed Jacob. And Jacob was never the same again . . not in name, not in spirit and not physically. It amazes me how God’s blessings can come out of pain, but Jacob is living proof of that awesome truth. Jacob limped away that day a new man, his name had become Israel and the blessings of God were all over him.   

 I drink it in deep and my heart overflows with gratitude to my Lord. And I too am changed as I look to Him in this new light, and I come once again, and again. I make my vow to Him then and there, I will not let go, I will hold on with everything I have.            

And He bids me to come and ask Him. To intercede on their behalf and it begins, this crying out to Him and the petitions rise up and I labor on. . . . . . .  

Confess your trespasses to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much. James 5:16

Read Full Post »

You would never have known just by looking at her. She was well put together and her appearance was that of grace and poise. The softness of her face spoke of gentleness and joy, and as she slowly walked across the room and quietly sat down, there were no signs of it anywhere.

But her, being afraid that it stuck out like a sore thumb, told us that she had broken her toes.

And I looked, sure enough, I could see it now that she pointed it out. She had two toes bandaged together. She explained that she couldn’t walk unless they were taped together. That without the tape it hurt too badly to walk, but somehow, when they were taped together they felt stronger and she was able to walk.   

And days later, as I thought about my dear friend and her poor toes,He just spoke to my heart. You know, those amazing times when our Lord shows you something that just makes your heart smile big!

And I thought of Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.” And that of Amos 3:3 Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?

And my mind traveled through the years of prayer, and tears and laughter with this beloved friend and I knew . . . .    

I was like her broken toe!

I can not stand on my own, or walk alone.

I depend upon my sister in Christ!

I need to be taped to her, then together we can make it, holding each other up and keeping each other strong.

Only when we are bonded together can we keep on keeping on.   

And our Lord never intended for us to go it alone for He tells us in Philippians 2:2-5, fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, or one mind. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.

And only through this bonding together, this unity within His people can we truly glorify our Lord.

“Now may the God of patience and comfort grant you to be like-minded toward one another, according to Christ Jesus, that you may with one mind and one mouth glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Romans 15:5-6   

But even much more, this idea of His to be bound together in love and unity, being like-minded with each other and loving each other was meant to draw us to Himself. It was out of His own love for us that He “drew us with gentle cords, with bands of love” Hosea 11:4a. Yes, it was God who first wrapped our hearts, bound them to His own.   

 “A man who has friends must himself be friendly, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Proverbs 18:24

Read Full Post »

They’ve been talking about it for quite some time now, and when the parents agreed we set the date and time.  Good Friday.  What better day to watch The Passion of the Christ for the very first time.

They have heard it over and over again, “Jesus died for your sins”, but what does that really look like?  

Having a visual puts things in perspective and it changes how you receive the truth.  

And so, we gathered together and watched the Passion of the Christ.

And cried . . . . 

and prayed . . . . 

And broke bread . . . . 

and drank . . . .   

in remembrance of Him.  

And we thanked Him for what He had done, for what He had suffered for us.   

And our hearts were heavy and fractured and the tears flowed down as we took this communion together in this new light.   

What can wash away my sin?                                                                                               Nothing but the blood of Jesus;                                                                                                    What can make me whole again?                                                                                                    Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

Oh! precious is the flow
That makes me white as snow;
No other fount I know,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

For my pardon, this I see,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus;
For my cleansing this my plea,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

Nothing can for sin atone,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus;
Naught of good that I have done,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

This is all my hope and peace,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus;
This is all my righteousness,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

Now by this I’ll overcome—
Nothing but the blood of Jesus,
Now by this I’ll reach my home—
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

Glory! Glory! This I sing—
Nothing but the blood of Jesus,
All my praise for this I bring                                                                                                           Nothing but the blood f Jesus

Read Full Post »

For years I have been praying two particular scriptures daily. The first one is 2 Chronicles 7:14:

“If My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land.”

The second one is Deuteronomy 6:4-9:

“Hear, O Israel:  The Lord our God, the Lord is one!  You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength,  and these words which I command you today shall be in your heart.  You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.  You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes.  You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

Then yesterday something wonderful happened and it has been burning in my heart.  God gave me a deeper insight to these very same scriptures, something that I had already known, just a deeper pressing into my heart when I read these words from Ann Spangler’s book, Sitting at the Feet of Rabbi Jesus:

“Torah study was a remarkable feature in Jewish life at the time of the Second Temple and during the period following it.  It was not restricted to the formal setting of schools and synagogue nor to sages only, but became an integral part of ordinary Jewish life.  The Torah was studied at all possible times, even if only a little at a time . . . . The sound of Torah learning issuing from houses at night was a common phenomenon.  When people assembled for a joyous occasion such as a circumcision or a wedding, a group might withdraw to engage in study  of the Law.” ~written by Jewish historian-Shmuel Safrai~

Can you imagine that?

Studying God Word and praying was a part of their everyday life!!  You could hear it going on in the homes and it was a “common phenomenon”!  They were actually living out Deuteronomy 6:4-9 in their everyday, normal, ordinary life!

I thought about life, here and now, and what would be a common theme that we would hear going on in the ordinary, normal home and my heart was stricken because the answer was terrifying!

Television ….Video games ….computers ….I-Phones ….and the list goes on and on, except for the one thing that God has required of us—-Deuteronomy 6:4-9.

We have exchanged our Holy God for all these earthy treasures, these idols that consume our time, out thoughts and our affections and they have taken His place. We have attached ourselves to things other than God. What we love with all our hearts and mind and strength and soul are the things that we spend our time on, thinking about, applying ourselves to and focusing on. And His word tells us, “Take heed to yourselves, lest your heart be deceived, and you turn aside and serve other gods and worship them.” Deuteronomy 11:16. “know the truth, so you can recognize a lie.”

We all, like sheep, have gone astray and we think that seeking God consist of shooting up a prayer every now and then, or going to church on Sundays, or maybe just a Sunday here and there.  Maybe we feel like we have done our duty to God when we read a sentence or two of scripture.  Or maybe seeking God is giving money or patting someone nicely on the head or whatever we do to justify ourselves before God . . . and man.

And yet, as the prophet describes us, we are a stiff neck people, rotten through and through and we consider God lucky that He has us on His side and we are doing Him a great favor when we pray and do things in His name, and we have missed the mark.

Only when we have truly humbled ourselves and turn from these things that have taken His place, only when we truly seek His face, as in Deuteronomy 6:4-9, and cry out to Him, only then, will He hear our prayer, forgive our sin and heal our land.

Deuteronomy 6:4-9 sums up “ABIDE” completely! “For in Him we live and move and have our being” (Acts 19:28a) 

And it starts HERE! In my home and in my family! I will live Deuteronomy 6:4-9 in my everyday,  normal, ordinary life.

I will teach it to my children, and my grandchildren. I will talk about it when I sit in my house, when I walk by the way, when I lie down and when I rise up. I will bind them as a sign on my hand, and they will be as frontlets between my eyes. I will write them on the doorpost of my house and on my gates. The Book of the Law will not depart from my mouth. I will meditate in it day and night.

Therefore you shall lay up these words of Mine in your heart and in your soul, and bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall teach them to your children, speaking of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. And you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates, that your days and the days of your children may be multiplied in the land of which the Lord swore to your fathers to give them, like the days of the heavens above the earth. For if you carefully keep all these commandments which I command you to do—to love the Lord your God, to walk in all His ways, and to hold fast to Him—Deuteronomy 11:18-22

Read Full Post »